13 reasons why not 

(I’m posting this from my phone, sorry if the formatting is a little weird!! Will fix asap!)

So about the time I uploaded my last blog post I thought things were getting better. Hooray!! Just kidding; I lost control and spiraled downward all over again. It was bad. It was really really bad. I made the decision to end my life. But something was different this time. Standing there, hollow, in the midst of my decision, ready to take action… I had something. I had reasons. No, not reasons to leave, that is obvious: no life = no pain. I had reasons to live. I had never thought about it before, the reasons to leave had always been so much more important than the reasons to live. But I think after watching the Netflix series, 13 Reasons Why, I realized I could not hurt people the way that Hannah had. I wouldn’t. Nothing in me wanted to do that. So here are my 13 Reasons Why Not


Reason 13. Family. Unfortunately, even the people closest to us cannot feel what we’re feeling. They can’t always see the hints we drop either. It’s not their fault, they’re busy it is okay. I drop hints like Hannah. When I was quite young, I would hide and wait for people to come looking for me. But they wouldn’t. I’d be behind the couch for anywhere from twenty minutes to two hours and occasionally I’d hear “Where’s Ellie?….. She must be in her room.” I was not a loud or troublesome child so they had no reason to worry. How were they supposed to know to look for me? How many hints have you picked up from other people? If you need help, it is your responsibility to let people know, hints don’t always work, you can’t depend on them. It is not their fault that you are feeling this way, leaving them would make them feel responsible. Don’t do that to them. You are responsible for your life. After I started thinking of reasons I started crying. I started crying and no matter what, I couldn’t stop. My parents were supposed to go on a date that night, but instead they rented a movie (Collateral Beauty, PLEASE WATCH IT) and bought me my favorite ice cream and stayed home with me. I didn’t even know they knew my favorite vegan ice cream. Movies and ice cream fix everything. Love.
Reason 12. Ice Cream. Oh my goodness Ben & Jerry’s has freaking DELICIOUS dairy free ice cream, so does So Delicious. And there’s like amazing sorbets and crap like that WHY THE FRICK FRACK WOULD YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT SKIPPING OUT ON THAT really gurl did you think this through.
Reason 11. The Future. The future is so freakin scary… a lot of times the past can make the future scarier, thinking things will never be the same. My friends and I used to sing all the time and it was so beautiful and soooo fun, we just aren’t in that position anymore… that’s upsetting, but if I leave now, I’ll definitely never be in that position again. Oh my goodness children….. having children’s is so scary….. I still have a while ahead of me tho and like my kids are seriously going to be so cute. I am going to love them so much!! My grandkids.. oh!!!! I can eat ice cream with my grand children!!! That is enough right there. But I will go on because that’s a lot of years to wait haha.
Reason 10. Crap. There’s so much crap on this world, and as an inhabitant of the earth it is my job to at least try to make it better. Environmentally, Ethically, however I can. I have to try. 
Reason 9. Places. I love everywhere. Yes there are awful scary people and awful scary places, but there are also amazing, beautiful people and amazing, beautiful places. Germany(I’m currently writing this from HAMBURG!!!)(more on that in future blog posts), Thailand, Brighton, Oregon OH MY GOODNESS I cried when we landed in Portland, SO BEAUTIFUL!!! Paris, New York, New Zealand….. you can go if you want 😉 I promise.
Reason 8. Amigos. I don’t want to be that person when people think of good memories they get sad. That’s not fair. Also like all the freaking fun we have… I love that. Amigos and fun are worth living. The best amigos to have may take some time to find, but they are there!!! And they will always be there for you, no questions asked. You can’t stay down on bad amigos, they’re not worth your time. Also, news flash, amigos can’t read your thoughts either!!!! But if you let them know you need help, they will help to the best of their abilities. I love my amigos. Don’t forget to be there for your amigos, they may be feeling pain like you are but unfortunately you are no mind reader. If you leave now, who’s to say your amigos might leave too? I don’t want my amigos to leave<3 also I have a little amigo that I love with all of my heart and I would absolutely hate for his parents to have to explain to him why he would never see me again. He means the world to me and I would never ever want to leave him like that. 
Reason 7. Dancing. DWTS on Mondays, can’t miss that. What if I’m on DWTS one day???? THAT WOULD BE SO COOL!! Can’t miss that. Also there’s swing dancing on Wednesday and Saturday, can’t miss that. Ooh remind me to search for more dancing places in my area, I want to be alive for dancing.
Reason 6. Disney. If you leave now you will never be able to go to DisneyWorld ever again. Fact. One of my dreams is to be a part of the Disney College Program. If I leave, I will never be able to do that or anything Disney ever again. Not. Fun. Speaking of which, I still need to beat my best friend in Disney trivia, can’t miss that! 
Reason 5. My Sister. Nuff said. As you grow, you realize things change. Maybe you don’t get to go shopping and make cookies with your sister whenever you want anymore. Heartbreaking. Maybe you don’t live where you can talk to/be with your bests all the time. Heartbreaking. If you leave now, there is a 100% chance you will never be able to do any of that ever again. If you stay, there is a 100% chance you can do those things again, maybe just not exactly the same as before. That’s okay, you can make new memories, you can have new fun. Worth. It. ❤
Reason 4. My Babies. My sweet little cousins. My heart breaks knowing that one day they may feel even the slightest bit of pain. Life is hard. I have to let them know life is worth living.
Reason 3. Your Best. My best would be so hurt if I left them. I’m not saying that conceitedly, but I share everything with them, they would also feel responsible like there was something more they could’ve done if I left. I could never do that to them. They try. I’m not talking about just any person. I’m talking about your best person you know. I don’t want to leave my best. I don’t want to leave my best. 
Reason 2. Pizza. Mellow Mushroom has bogo free medium pizzas on Monday’s, can’t miss that. Who will remind my brothers we’re supposed to go get pizza together on Monday if I’m gone? How will they be able to get pizza without me?? It’s the little things.
Reason 1. Jesus. He died for my life. No matter how much pain I am feeling, it will not be as much as he for he feels my pain too. I do not need to cut short the grace he has given me.

depression sucks.

(this post is still under revision, but you are more than welcome to view/comment it if you wish.)

Account of this morning:

I got out of bed. I got dressed. A thought crossed my mind; my breath left my body, my throat closed, my jaw clenched, my brain shut down and I no longer felt any need to move, or do anything at all ever again for that matter.
Continue reading “depression sucks.”

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